Things I've Been Told

I'm at the point in my life where I need to start trying to figure out my next step, and you know, I've got no idea what that should be. I've got plenty of options and contacts, but I just don't feel inclined toward any one option right now. I want to be near my family because I miss them dearly, yet I'm being told to be selfish and do waht I want. I begin to think about being selfish, and I'm told to move closer to people who love me. ACK!!!!! Talk about frustrating. I have prayed about where my next step should be, and I don't get an answer. I really want to experience life, but really, I'm tired of not having someone to come home to. Well, here's the paradox, I'm happy right now being single. I'm happy that I can just do something on a whim and not confer with a spouse if it would be okay. There is really a lot that I can do when I'm done in Hawaii. Well, talking with another person, they pointed out that maybe I should stay in Hawaii for another year if I can. I don't know what's going on, but I do know that the Lord will give me light. I will know where I need to go, maybe right now is not the time for me to know. I have made a decision though, and that is to focus on bettering myself and working on my friendships. On this, I've had a friend tell me how lucky I am to be able to restart old hobbies. You know, he's right. I've thoroughly enjoyed getting back into reading and writing. I've been doing some sketching even. I even spend time to meditate and think, contemplate the mysteries of the universe, my universe.

I wonder if I'm just holding myself back. I wonder if I'm allowing fears to constrain me from doing that which I should be doing, or could be doing. This is something I haven't talked with anyone about, and I probably won't ever talk to anyone about. I already have a difficult enough time talking about where my future could lead me, mainly because everytime I do talk to someone, I think of yet another option I could go after and become more confused. I am very much not used to frequent change. I know, sad, but I grew up all in one place really. I was only in two different school districts growing up. I keep thinking that I've done plenty of jumps in life, but maybe I haven't done enough. I know that whatever choice I end up making, it will be a large jump. I really want to go back to Japan, but I get the feeling that if I do, I might miss something. Although, this is the first time that I've thought that that thought might be something planted by Satan to disuade me from going. Maybe Japan is the place I need to go next. I am so close to getting the language. Watching anime really has helped me. As strange as that might sound. Well, at this point I need to just go for something and see where the path pans out.