Physical and Emotional Walls

Looking around at the world I live in, more and more I see the walls that contain me and restrain me from others. At work it's the partisaned cubicle wall that keeps me from most of my peers in my office space. In life, it's the hestitation I feel toward people I get close to. The hestitation that I'm wearing out my welcome or relying too heavily on those that I hold close to my heart. There are so many people who I need more than ever right now, and yet I pull away for the dumbest reasons of not wanting to have them tire of me. I see myself slipping back into my "apoligizing for everything and putting myself second" stage - and I know it's not where I need to be right now. I can see it wearing on those around me. This is not a good emotional wall. I mean, how can I battle with me wanting people to realize that I acknowledge when I completely fall flat on my face trying to ram my feet down my throat, and knowing how to regulate apologizing? I honestly keep forgetting that these people I have close to me exist in skin tougher than what I grew up around. I keep forgetting that if they didn't like me or were annoyed by me, they'd tell me. I hate that I forget that important piece of information.

CarCar actually inspired the title of this post. Mainly because I feel completely isolated from my co-workers, and I was telling her about that isolation. Well, other than Elder Parchman that is; for which I am more grateful for than anything. He really is becoming like the grandpa I never had. Back to the isolation that seems to be my office life... I hope it's just me being hormonal and blind to what I have in front of me, I really do. I hope I'm just reading too deeply into a situation that has been this way since I started working here. Sometimes it's so frustrating though. Sometimes I wish someone would come, sit down next to me, and open up their mouths in friendly conversation. JaiCi does this wonderfully in the mornings as she and I are the only two in the office for a little while. I should do more with her. Guh... I'm done tearing myself apart to try and understand my heart. I know of a man who can help me, I just need to let Him in.