Screaming on the Inside

Things just don't seem right in my life. Again, I find myself dissatisfied with what I have. Yes, I have simple and humble things... but I have them. They're mine. I have little debt compared to the many other college graduates who go out into the world. I have great friends who take care of me and tell me when I'm being an ass. I have family that genuinely love me. I can read and write in two languages. I have a great job where I work with people who act like family... in a good way. My boss trusts me. I am the soul owner of my car. For the most part, I am financially independant. I am healthy. I frequently attend church and do all the church things that I choose to do. I am an aunty of three beautiful children, soon to be four plus some close friend's children.

I feel so lost though. The more I think I know myself, the less I seem to know about myself. For years I was overjoyed at the fact that I was single. I didn't care a lick about boys except for the way they were less backstabbing. In my life, I've discovered that guys tend to stab you when you're looking at them... and somehow that's less painful to me than being stabbed in the back. *sighs* Listening to the song I'm listening to is opening up a can of worms I am completely unprepared for. Even though, on the outside, I have amazing things in my life, I find my inner self screaming on the inside. Something's missing in my life. There's a key to this hole.... and somewhere there's something that will fill the void. I have faith that whatever this is, the Lord will fill it in His time. Doesn't take away the longing or the void for now. *sighs* Kind of an oxymoron/paradox now that I think about it. I trust the Lord. I fell this longing.... and I almost feel like I'm drowning in this pool of blackness. The sides of it crowd in on me at times. Threatening to overwhelm me. I haven't been overwhelmed yet because the Lord is on my side, and He is helping me.

Ultimately, there is nothing I can do for the situation. In the end, the Lord has the final say. I'm okay with that. I can survive many more years this way. I have learned many times how to reinvent myself. I will continue to do so as time passes. So must every one if they are to truly thrive in life. For me, though my soul aches with being empty, I do what I can to fill as much as possible, and the Lord takes it from there in His time. His time... sometimes I sure wished His time ran on my time. ^^; Only sometimes. In the end, this ache comes mainly from being single. I went through the "boys suck" stage for maybe a week before I was ready to start dating again. So I've been on one date since then. No call backs.

In the end, I'm slowly realizing that nothing I do is my doing. The Lord blesses me with these things. I know that Alan won't be the last guy I date steadily. Patience, though not a strong point, is something I'm being to value. Slowly but surely I'm giving my life over to the Lord. It's hard to let go of things... even though I'm not a control freak. Honestly now, who wants a life that's completely uncontrolled anyways. Of course of late, I've been wanting to do nothing but have complete control of my life. Doesn't work that way at all. Never had, never will.