Responsibility and Stupidity

After a traumatic experience the other day, I find myself sitting on my side of the room re-evaluating myself and my reactions to this experience. A friend was hurt when they fell fifteen to twenty feet off of a cliff when something with the gear went wrong. Initially, I wanted to swoop in and "rescue" this person as they lay on the beach after the fall. Shock insued and I was the only one who stayed nearby to provide body heat as others stood around watching another friend administer to the broken body. Why is it that when these things happen, all coherent thought stops?

I turned into an automaton that was there to be told what to do, and all the while pushing this friend who had begun taking care of the injured friend away to the point of removing them from the situation. *shakes head* I allowed my over-developed sense of responsibility to take command of the situation when I deep down wanted to leave the situation. I was desperately wanting sleep and a mental recap of the night. I love rock climbing, but the irony to this situation is that I have a deep fear of heights. This fear causes deep irrationality and a very uncomfortable adrenaline rush. I was standing at the top of the cliff, gazing into darkness and hearing the encouraging words of the many friends who were on this trip. With a last deep breath to attempt to clear my mind of this fear, I walked off the top onto a ledge about three feet farther down. Slowly, I walked to the edge of this, the last ledge until the descent back to the ground, and walked off. The gear held me fast while the rope slowly slid through my hands. It was a rush, and I loved it, however the adrenaline caused my entire body to shake and my breathing to become sporadic.

This fear attack, and watching my friend fall, shook me so bad that I turned into a jerk that pulled rank and took over as the injure's voice when they didn't need it. Though I am slowly feeling better about what I did, and the fact that it's done, there is still something melancholy in me. I keep asking myself and questioning what right did I have to do those things. I keep replaying the event in my head, but at the same time, I see others around who seem to be over it yet here I am still stuck questioning those two things that I did. Others seemed to perform their job and role brilliantly, while I took command when it wasn't needed. I have always fought with the leader streak within my being, and yet I slip into it all the time. Sometimes, I slip into it more often than is fair to those around me.

So, here I am sitting, thinking and trying to find the solace and peace that my soul aches for. My triumph in repelling was awesome because it was yet another time when I was able to overcome my fear and do something that I enjoy. This triumph is what should be filling my soul, not the melancholy that has elbowed its way in. The melancholy remains because I have discovered that I am allowing it to keep its control. Where is my voice and courage? Where is my stubborn streak that wants to stay happy for the Lord tells us that we are that we might have joy? In the Lord and myself are the answers, I just need to rip off the blinders and yank out the earplugs to hear it and see it.