Months Later

So it's been two and a half months since I broke up with my ex, and I find myself wondering what he's doing now. Reminds me of a Garth Brooks song. Sometimes I find myself wanting to see his face and get an update as to how his life is going. Sometimes I wonder if things would have worked out if he came here in April instead of the end of June. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.... in the end wondering doesn't equal reality. I realize that it's painful to think that way... in terms of sometimes. I've never been one to think "what if," but I know that sometimes the loneliness that I bury pokes through the surface of my thoughts. I am keenly aware of my status as a single woman because of where I work up until a few days ago, myself and one other guy were the only single people in the office. Granted, I've only had two people in my office make comments about me being single, but still, the seeds have been planted even though I'm trying to starve them. I know that I feel ready to date again, and even think I'm ready to have another serious relationship. At times I think of why I even bother with the whole dating game crap, but then I look around me and see all the people who find someone that makes them happy, and I want that.

In my heart of hearts, I am a woman who needs another to be strong for her so she can find rest. There are many times where I just need someone to hold me, someone to give me one place of security and safety. Work is treating me well in spite of the infrequent jabs at my expense. We're like a bunch of cousins working together with nothing but good feelies to each other. Most of the time I am completely content with being single for now though. I completely enjoy watching man candy guilt free. I don't lust after the foxy hotties I look at, but it doesn't mean I don't admire them. Of course I have my eyes set on a select few that keep my head turning in their direction for the maximun amount of seconds I can get staring at them. Some I see almost daily. Some not so frequently. At any rate, I enjoy my man candy watching hobby. I have been told that I probably should open my mouth and talk to these guys and maybe even go on a date with one of them. Perish the thought!

It's hard in the end though. I miss having someone who'll give me hugs and sweet kisses. I miss being able to grab a hand to hold at random times. The last experience I had wasn't one that I thought I would have. It was nothing like I imagined a relationship would be. I was one of the dreaded passive girlfriends. When I heard that assessment of my actions, I became upset with myself for being that stupid. I always rationalized it out thinking I'd get used to this and that, but I never did. Even more so, I felt dirty after some of the "this and that." In the end, I may just be trying to squeeze the push out of the wound that hasn't healed from that relationship. My friends have been wonderful though. Support, love and hugs when I need them have been plentiful since school started back up. I was losing myself daily... wondering who this person was that was looking back at me in the reflection. I kept wondering why my life felt like drugery and the simple joys I once enjoyed fed the void instead of decreased its size.