Yet Again I Do Stupid Things

So, against my better judgment, I find myself interested in men again. The reason for this being against my better judgment is the fact that I don't really have the time for a significant other right now. I'm more than willing to make that time however. At any rate... in my efforts to get to know one particular guy better, I find myself treating him like I would treat my other friends... trying to spread my attention to four or five different people, while trying to establish something more solid between myself and him is quite difficult. What's even more frustrating is the fact that I'm reading too much into everything!!!! I don't want to read into anything... I don't want anything more from this guy than the chance to get to know him better. But no! I'm catching myself analyzing and questioning and digging for more than what is really there at this point. This is ridiculous! I guess no matter how old you get, you fall back into these habits and behaviors that come with attractions. *sighs* I would love to have another opportunity to hang out with him and get to know him better. I would love to have another opportunity to watch him interact with other people. I would love to have another chance to be a friend... maybe even a better one that I have been so far. Ah hell, I'd love for just the chance to see him more than once a week, if that.

Why are these stupid things? Well, just for the sake that I have been happy with myself as a single woman since my breakup with Alan. Yeah, there have been some really rough times, but for the most part, I'm greatly happy with being single. I mean, I do have a drawback in the fact that Gummie Bear is gone, but I've been surviving just fine without hugs from men. So far anyways. This just sucks!!!! Guh, *grumbles* looks like E will have some fodder for me now. Dude, what's my problem? I have tried twice since meeting this guy to hook up with him and have an opportunity to hang out with him... and both times something came up to where it didn't happen. I wonder if this is something I need to turn over to the Lord. I think I just figured out the key. Well, the angsty side of me has subsided for now. I'm still flustered about the stupid failures I've made in trying to get to know him a little better. I'm still flustered that things aren't on my terms. But one thing I haven't even considered is the fact that maybe I'm supposed to deal with these frustrations and awkward times. I'm not going to focus on "turning his head." I want nothing more than friendship from him. Don't I?

Leaving

So, the one male I turn to with my honest thoughts, and needs for male affection is leaving next week Tuesday. What can I say other than I'm crushed. I know he needs to move on with his life and that life here has almost killed him. We've had numerous talks of how this area is great but also bad because it's too easy to forget. *sighs* Well, he's leaving.... I'm stuck here with no close male friend to cuddle with or tell me when I look hot or just be a guy friend. He's been there to give me hugs when I need them. He's been there when I've needed entertainment. He's been there when I needed a date. He's... in a word, mine. Countless times people have asked if he and I were married; which of course we laughed at. :D We were supposed to go on a cruise together, we were supposed to go clubbing together.... but now, neither will ever happen. *groans* The void he'll leave will be substancial. I'll miss his points of view and his ability to carry on intelligent conversations. I'll miss his laugh, his humor.... I'll miss all there is to miss about him. I mean, he told me of his leaving... and then gave me the greatest mixed compliment ever. "You look like either a beach model or Cousin It." *sniffles* Man, I don't want to lose this one, but I have no choice. Heaven knows I can't go through losing another close friend like him. They are so rare for me. Even worse, I now don't really have a close friend. Sarah's on the fritz.... Emo is of course Emo, but there are things that I can only get from Reed. I guess, I should stop looking at the many depressing and negative things that I'm feeling now for his moving on and cling to the great things he and I have shared. Inside jokes, rough times and laughter. Reed, here's to your friendship and love. *tears fall* I'll miss you hon.

Months Later

So it's been two and a half months since I broke up with my ex, and I find myself wondering what he's doing now. Reminds me of a Garth Brooks song. Sometimes I find myself wanting to see his face and get an update as to how his life is going. Sometimes I wonder if things would have worked out if he came here in April instead of the end of June. Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.... in the end wondering doesn't equal reality. I realize that it's painful to think that way... in terms of sometimes. I've never been one to think "what if," but I know that sometimes the loneliness that I bury pokes through the surface of my thoughts. I am keenly aware of my status as a single woman because of where I work up until a few days ago, myself and one other guy were the only single people in the office. Granted, I've only had two people in my office make comments about me being single, but still, the seeds have been planted even though I'm trying to starve them. I know that I feel ready to date again, and even think I'm ready to have another serious relationship. At times I think of why I even bother with the whole dating game crap, but then I look around me and see all the people who find someone that makes them happy, and I want that.

In my heart of hearts, I am a woman who needs another to be strong for her so she can find rest. There are many times where I just need someone to hold me, someone to give me one place of security and safety. Work is treating me well in spite of the infrequent jabs at my expense. We're like a bunch of cousins working together with nothing but good feelies to each other. Most of the time I am completely content with being single for now though. I completely enjoy watching man candy guilt free. I don't lust after the foxy hotties I look at, but it doesn't mean I don't admire them. Of course I have my eyes set on a select few that keep my head turning in their direction for the maximun amount of seconds I can get staring at them. Some I see almost daily. Some not so frequently. At any rate, I enjoy my man candy watching hobby. I have been told that I probably should open my mouth and talk to these guys and maybe even go on a date with one of them. Perish the thought!

It's hard in the end though. I miss having someone who'll give me hugs and sweet kisses. I miss being able to grab a hand to hold at random times. The last experience I had wasn't one that I thought I would have. It was nothing like I imagined a relationship would be. I was one of the dreaded passive girlfriends. When I heard that assessment of my actions, I became upset with myself for being that stupid. I always rationalized it out thinking I'd get used to this and that, but I never did. Even more so, I felt dirty after some of the "this and that." In the end, I may just be trying to squeeze the push out of the wound that hasn't healed from that relationship. My friends have been wonderful though. Support, love and hugs when I need them have been plentiful since school started back up. I was losing myself daily... wondering who this person was that was looking back at me in the reflection. I kept wondering why my life felt like drugery and the simple joys I once enjoyed fed the void instead of decreased its size.

Screaming on the Inside

Things just don't seem right in my life. Again, I find myself dissatisfied with what I have. Yes, I have simple and humble things... but I have them. They're mine. I have little debt compared to the many other college graduates who go out into the world. I have great friends who take care of me and tell me when I'm being an ass. I have family that genuinely love me. I can read and write in two languages. I have a great job where I work with people who act like family... in a good way. My boss trusts me. I am the soul owner of my car. For the most part, I am financially independant. I am healthy. I frequently attend church and do all the church things that I choose to do. I am an aunty of three beautiful children, soon to be four plus some close friend's children.

I feel so lost though. The more I think I know myself, the less I seem to know about myself. For years I was overjoyed at the fact that I was single. I didn't care a lick about boys except for the way they were less backstabbing. In my life, I've discovered that guys tend to stab you when you're looking at them... and somehow that's less painful to me than being stabbed in the back. *sighs* Listening to the song I'm listening to is opening up a can of worms I am completely unprepared for. Even though, on the outside, I have amazing things in my life, I find my inner self screaming on the inside. Something's missing in my life. There's a key to this hole.... and somewhere there's something that will fill the void. I have faith that whatever this is, the Lord will fill it in His time. Doesn't take away the longing or the void for now. *sighs* Kind of an oxymoron/paradox now that I think about it. I trust the Lord. I fell this longing.... and I almost feel like I'm drowning in this pool of blackness. The sides of it crowd in on me at times. Threatening to overwhelm me. I haven't been overwhelmed yet because the Lord is on my side, and He is helping me.

Ultimately, there is nothing I can do for the situation. In the end, the Lord has the final say. I'm okay with that. I can survive many more years this way. I have learned many times how to reinvent myself. I will continue to do so as time passes. So must every one if they are to truly thrive in life. For me, though my soul aches with being empty, I do what I can to fill as much as possible, and the Lord takes it from there in His time. His time... sometimes I sure wished His time ran on my time. ^^; Only sometimes. In the end, this ache comes mainly from being single. I went through the "boys suck" stage for maybe a week before I was ready to start dating again. So I've been on one date since then. No call backs.

In the end, I'm slowly realizing that nothing I do is my doing. The Lord blesses me with these things. I know that Alan won't be the last guy I date steadily. Patience, though not a strong point, is something I'm being to value. Slowly but surely I'm giving my life over to the Lord. It's hard to let go of things... even though I'm not a control freak. Honestly now, who wants a life that's completely uncontrolled anyways. Of course of late, I've been wanting to do nothing but have complete control of my life. Doesn't work that way at all. Never had, never will.