Responsibility and Stupidity

After a traumatic experience the other day, I find myself sitting on my side of the room re-evaluating myself and my reactions to this experience. A friend was hurt when they fell fifteen to twenty feet off of a cliff when something with the gear went wrong. Initially, I wanted to swoop in and "rescue" this person as they lay on the beach after the fall. Shock insued and I was the only one who stayed nearby to provide body heat as others stood around watching another friend administer to the broken body. Why is it that when these things happen, all coherent thought stops?

I turned into an automaton that was there to be told what to do, and all the while pushing this friend who had begun taking care of the injured friend away to the point of removing them from the situation. *shakes head* I allowed my over-developed sense of responsibility to take command of the situation when I deep down wanted to leave the situation. I was desperately wanting sleep and a mental recap of the night. I love rock climbing, but the irony to this situation is that I have a deep fear of heights. This fear causes deep irrationality and a very uncomfortable adrenaline rush. I was standing at the top of the cliff, gazing into darkness and hearing the encouraging words of the many friends who were on this trip. With a last deep breath to attempt to clear my mind of this fear, I walked off the top onto a ledge about three feet farther down. Slowly, I walked to the edge of this, the last ledge until the descent back to the ground, and walked off. The gear held me fast while the rope slowly slid through my hands. It was a rush, and I loved it, however the adrenaline caused my entire body to shake and my breathing to become sporadic.

This fear attack, and watching my friend fall, shook me so bad that I turned into a jerk that pulled rank and took over as the injure's voice when they didn't need it. Though I am slowly feeling better about what I did, and the fact that it's done, there is still something melancholy in me. I keep asking myself and questioning what right did I have to do those things. I keep replaying the event in my head, but at the same time, I see others around who seem to be over it yet here I am still stuck questioning those two things that I did. Others seemed to perform their job and role brilliantly, while I took command when it wasn't needed. I have always fought with the leader streak within my being, and yet I slip into it all the time. Sometimes, I slip into it more often than is fair to those around me.

So, here I am sitting, thinking and trying to find the solace and peace that my soul aches for. My triumph in repelling was awesome because it was yet another time when I was able to overcome my fear and do something that I enjoy. This triumph is what should be filling my soul, not the melancholy that has elbowed its way in. The melancholy remains because I have discovered that I am allowing it to keep its control. Where is my voice and courage? Where is my stubborn streak that wants to stay happy for the Lord tells us that we are that we might have joy? In the Lord and myself are the answers, I just need to rip off the blinders and yank out the earplugs to hear it and see it.

When Did I Fall?

Two things are offering me comfort right now: two of my closest friends and the fact that he is as sweet as ever. Though a couple of days ago, I was panicked beyond all belief because of silly things like his age and wanting nothing to do with a long distance relationship. I feel like such a nerd-bomber sometimes when it comes to this boy; he's got me all confused about life and where my true heart lies (which I personally think he hid on purpose ^_^). After chatting with two of my closest friends, Sarah and Katie-Beth, I realized that I had been nothing but a silly git worrying about the tiniest things I possibly could. Both of these ladies are amazing and I trust their judgments, especially when it comes to relationships. The distance is really difficult for me, and I can't imagine how he's taking it. Yesterday, I was up late waiting for him to call me, which doesn't work because he's already two hours ahead of me, when I almost gave up on him. As I was reading my scriptures before bed, he called finally. And we chatted for over an hour, mostly about politics somehow, but we still chatted.

The point of this post is to explore when I fell, well.... I have no answer. Sometimes I feel like I fell when I first got back here and heard his voice for the first time in almost a week on New Years. Others, I think that maybe it happened a week or so ago as I was keeping in fairly regular contact with him and laughing. What frightens me is the implications of having a heart lost to someone that I won't see again until June, and that I'd be stuck in it on my own. Reason, aka Sarah, tells me constantly that it'd never be the case between us. She sees him as already fallen, but waiting for something from me. *sighs* The weight of something bigger than me is not an easy heft, nor is it one that I've ever tried to carry in my life. I can see myself married to this guy, but at the same time, I've only known him since last April. What causes me to pull even harder on the reins is the fact that we only dated for a week and a half before I returned to school. Are these things that a deep relationship can have a foundation laid on???

When did I fall? Longer ago than I ever realized.

Stuck in a System With Little Hope

Well, here comes some mighty venting. I am stuck in a situation that I got thrown into because of two things; ignorance and doing my job. Last night, I had a girl start doing moving stuffs in my dorm building, yet I didn't pick up on this until almost 10pm. When I finally stopped her, it was almost midnight, and I was planning on closing the office on time because this morning, I went swimming with a friend at 6:15-ish am. So, I am in the office this morning when the girl who checked in late last night came in, and another RA that I was working with asked her why she moved in anyway. She told us. The paperwork for the transfer got turned in, and about five minutes later, I get a call from the Housing Office saying that something was amiss. In my attempt to set things as straight as they could be, I was told to check my e-mail.

What would I see in my e-mail, but a note saying that what was done the previous night was illegal and that myself and an RA from another dorm building were both getting fined $50 for this move. Housing's reasoning is that the fault lies with the RAs and dorm coordinators, not the girls. Well, I don't have much money right now; in fact I have hardly any,yet here I am being held accountable for a situation that I was given no information about and waiting for my dorm coordinator to come back after her meeting this afternoon to let me know what happened. Hopefully things will be put straight. I accept the fact that I should have gone over to the other building and asked what was up, and yet I didn't. I will take responsibility for that. If that is worth a $50 fine, then gosh dang it, I don't want the job because all I did was my job. I was stuck with a homeless girl moving her stuffs into my dorm late at night.

I want to have this fine turned over. I can't afford it, nor should I be expected to pay it. It's a ridiculous situation that I'm fed up with. Maybe I will just stop being an RA come Spring term and apply for the internship that I've been interested in and take another class for the rest of my credits. I mean, I could learn to live on a small amount. I did a year ago, and I'm confident that if things were to come to that, then I will again.

This just sucks wenis!!!!!

The Waiting Game

So... chalk up one negative point toward my impatience. After chatting online with a friend of mine here at school, I realized how normal it is to sit and wait and hope for someone you hold special to get online or to call you when it's their turn. If only I knew the intrinsic worth of patience and could internalize that knowledge, this would be so much easier.

Again, a little background on my life, is that when I was home in Washington state for Christmas, I ended up dating a friend of mine from my singles branch back home. Things went better than I thought they would, and we got really close in a week and a half. But as all things must, our time together ended for I had to return to school a week sooner than most people I know because of my position as an RA. For my responsibilities and scholarship, I came back. That first week back was one of the toughest of my life. I had one person here who I hung out with while a good majority of my friends were still at their various homes. I had no one to take care of me while I was really sick (for I was truly sick). And nothing could occupy my mind more long before I began to think of this person. Once I began thinking about him, I slipped a little bit at a time into a temporary depression.

Come New Year's Eve, and my time completely by myself the entire day, I was ready to throw in the towel and not get out of bed for the next two days because I had them off from work. Well, in spite of my studies at school, which have helped me to realize that I wear rose-colored glasses in all aspects of my life, I felt so relieved to finally hear his voice. It had been six days since I had heard from him... and I'm sure some one is thinking... ".. what's her deal? It was only six days." I'm sure someone is thinking that because I know I would have. Until now, I never understood the waiting and hoping aspect of relationships. The constant desire to have the person whom you're attracted to be close by as often as possible. Well... we have 2,500 miles plus separating us, and it has been quite an experience for me.

In the first place, I never thought that I'd even be in the kind of relationship that we have. It's still bordering on being super close friends, and we were never at the boyfriend/girlfriend part of dating anyway... however, we both know that it would have happened if I stayed home. The distance is forcing us to become better friends in spite of the attraction between us. I do like him and would like to explore our relationship further, but I just continue to feel a force keeping, urging me to stay here.

Besides, we can't talk all the time right? We'd run out of things to talk about..... wouldn't we?

Familial Woes

So... I have some ranting I really need to do. Some background first, my sister-in-law is married to my middle older brother (I have three older brothers so it makes sense), and I will be graduating from college in June this year. About a year ago, probably more, I told them when I was graduating expressing the fact that I want them there. Well, here I am six months later and am still getting a "no" from them; really from my sister-in-law. She and I chatted a couple of days ago online when she told me about their financial situation. Personally, I am not the richest person in the world, let alone in my dorm unit, so I totally understand financial constraints. The problem is the fact that never once did she seem to consider coming out here. All I've been getting is excuses from her. The most recent being the fact that if she and my bro were to drop the money to come out here to Hawai'i for my grad, they probably wouldn't be able to make it to her little sister's grad in Utah. They live in Washington state.

My first reaction was hurt and a great desire to just stop chatting with her then and there. However, in my poor attempts at being Christ-like in life, I stayed online with her in order to hear as much of her side of the situation as possible. In my hurt state of mind, I was just fighting to keep from cussing her out or worse. I don't want to harm our friendship, nor do I want my bro to feel like he has to choose between his family or his wife. I just couldn't believe that they could just easily choose her sister over me. I have fought to stay in contact with them because they do not call me; I have played devil's advocate with my family when people began to grumble about her, yet I get repaid with an "... what kind of sister would I be?"

What the frick is that?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I mean, she's making my brother, who I can relate best with, to seem uncaring about me. This is retarded gosh dang it!!!! She's part of my family too. What kind of brother has she turned mine into by saying, not for the first time, that they just can't afford the trip and they'll just choose her family? I am so hurt and angry at the situation and her thought process.

Please don't misunderstand me however, for I truly do love them. How many people have been in family situations where they just couldn't stand a sibling or spouse for a while? Those of you who have been, you can understand where I'm coming from.

When it boils down to it, how many times will I graduate with my Bachelors? Not only that, but how many times will my family have a chance at all being in Hawai'i for a bonding opportunity? I struggle with my mortal self for control of my emotions about this situation because they are so strong and violent. I am at the point of giving them an ultimatum. It seems like to me that I've done all the work since I've been out here to stay in contact with them, which says to me that they don't want to make an effort enough to keep up with me. There are plenty of other people who at least meet me halfway in whatever stage of relationship we may be in, but these two, for whatever reason, choose to not. I don't get it.

To be fair, I did forget to send my bro a birthday card. ): I really felt bad about that. Really, I'm not perfect, nor do I devulge much of my private life to many people. I am trying genuinely. I hope that she's not doing this because she feels alienated from most of my family due to the many past disagreements they have had. Like I said, I really do love them... she is a sister to me in every sense of the word; I do love her with all my heart. I just wish that instead of constantly looking toward hinderences, that they would've suggested possible solutions. And really, I would have done that if I had been thinking clearer.

In the end, this graduation dealy is the biggest achievement of my life to date, and I want as many people as possible to attend. I wish my mom's nine brothers and sisters could come out, however, I only have so many tickets for graduation, and I already have five siblings of my own, my parents, two nieces and a nephew that are coming. Well, really I have only received commitments from three siblings, but my little sister is trying to work something out with her school stuffs. My best friend, who gave birth earlier this month, is still going to try to make it to my graduation ceremony. *sighs* I just..... really want them to share in my successes as often as they come. And they don't come that often anymore.

My Current Mood

I'm in a "Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan mood.