Things I've Been Told

I'm at the point in my life where I need to start trying to figure out my next step, and you know, I've got no idea what that should be. I've got plenty of options and contacts, but I just don't feel inclined toward any one option right now. I want to be near my family because I miss them dearly, yet I'm being told to be selfish and do waht I want. I begin to think about being selfish, and I'm told to move closer to people who love me. ACK!!!!! Talk about frustrating. I have prayed about where my next step should be, and I don't get an answer. I really want to experience life, but really, I'm tired of not having someone to come home to. Well, here's the paradox, I'm happy right now being single. I'm happy that I can just do something on a whim and not confer with a spouse if it would be okay. There is really a lot that I can do when I'm done in Hawaii. Well, talking with another person, they pointed out that maybe I should stay in Hawaii for another year if I can. I don't know what's going on, but I do know that the Lord will give me light. I will know where I need to go, maybe right now is not the time for me to know. I have made a decision though, and that is to focus on bettering myself and working on my friendships. On this, I've had a friend tell me how lucky I am to be able to restart old hobbies. You know, he's right. I've thoroughly enjoyed getting back into reading and writing. I've been doing some sketching even. I even spend time to meditate and think, contemplate the mysteries of the universe, my universe.

I wonder if I'm just holding myself back. I wonder if I'm allowing fears to constrain me from doing that which I should be doing, or could be doing. This is something I haven't talked with anyone about, and I probably won't ever talk to anyone about. I already have a difficult enough time talking about where my future could lead me, mainly because everytime I do talk to someone, I think of yet another option I could go after and become more confused. I am very much not used to frequent change. I know, sad, but I grew up all in one place really. I was only in two different school districts growing up. I keep thinking that I've done plenty of jumps in life, but maybe I haven't done enough. I know that whatever choice I end up making, it will be a large jump. I really want to go back to Japan, but I get the feeling that if I do, I might miss something. Although, this is the first time that I've thought that that thought might be something planted by Satan to disuade me from going. Maybe Japan is the place I need to go next. I am so close to getting the language. Watching anime really has helped me. As strange as that might sound. Well, at this point I need to just go for something and see where the path pans out.

Lived That Once

So at this point, most people that know me know my philosophy on deja vu. Well, I've had it again. Recently, I've felt that I will meet someone important soon. Soon is a relative term, however I know that soon means soon. I am floored right now. I always knew that the job that I have right now is one that I'm supposed to have, but I've been wondering why for a while. I'm not questioning the blessing of this job in the least, but I am curious as to what role this will play in other's live and my own future life. I have been learning numerous skills in the past six months, and frankly, I know that I will learn many more in the upcoming months. I hope that the time I spend here will benefit others around me. There is no point in me doing this work if I am the only beneficiary. It's selfish. I want to help others. I want to share my knowledge and skills with those around me.

I have a missionary friend who, everytime she writes, just oozes her enthusiasm. Her letters cause a fire within me to burn brighter. I know that she will serve the Russian people well. I hope, with all my heart, that my job will help others to see the purpose of the university that I work at. I hope that my job will shine the light on those people who do great things silently. It is those students who go into the world quietly, that seem to impact their communities the most.

Back to the deja vu, this one was so powerful. I knew all the lines, I knew how it would play out, and I know that something good will come from this search. I'm not even in charge of the searching. The Lord knows what He's doing, and that's enough for me. I am content with knowing that my life is in good hands.

Moving On

After a great talk with a good friend, I've come to a realization: I need to let go and move on when others around me have. A scary thought came to me during this conversation, and that was if I react this way to friends moving on, how will I deal with a death in my family. I realized that I don't want to be the kind of person who just loses themselves in the past. I don't want to see my world fall apart because I don't know how to restructure it when change comes. I didn't really think that I had such a rigid side in my life. My heart does feel lighter now than it has been in the past few weeks. I have always been able to entertain myself in life, but at the same time, it's nice to have other people around.

At times I've felt like others have left me behind, but this friend told me something that I hadn't thought of before... when others "move ahead," it's where they need to be. I'm exactly where I need to be. Exactly where I need to be. Man, I can't even remember when the last time was that I read my patriarchial blessing. Strange that I would even think of that at a time like this.

Well, in the end, my friend is right... I need to acknowledge the change in other's lives as well as my own and respect that. I need to make more of an effort to see the change as well. Moving on sucks and will be difficult for me for a long time, but the other option I have is to die in the past. Well, there are more options than that, but I don't really want them... in fact, I don't even like the alternative I gave myself. Meh... back to work now.