Tedious at Best

Change, we've all heard the word, and a vast majority of people experience it frequently. However, it is one of the most difficult things to deal with when it rears its head. Change causes heartache, confusion, frustration, and growth. It is one of those phenomenons that affects people of all social classes unbiasedly [<-I think this might be a made up word^^;]. Some people have learned the art of adaptation due to frequent change occurring in their lives, while others who have experienced relatively little change, struggle through change. Now there are always exceptions to this, as with all things in life. When change comes, it shows people their "true" self. It strips away all pretenses and falsehoods. Change does not alter for bribes or good behavior. Other than change, I think death is the only other equal opportunity event.

Somehow, it's a sadness for me to think this, and yet I feel ready to tackle and adapt to this newest change in my life. What change might that be... well, just people growing around me. That's one other thing about change that is unstoppable: it affects those around you whom you care for deeply for good and bad. I know that my life right now is going amazingly well. I know that I am blessed beyond measure. I know the Lord in my life. I know the Gospel is true. I see happiness in the world that exists in the world around me. I strive to halt the negative thoughts that inevitably pop into my head. I think that I work through my struggles well. I still feel like I'm withdrawing from those close to me. Maybe I just need to stop thinking that.

The burden of these things is, as the title suggests, tedious at best. Though I would never call this voluntary experience called life drudgery because that would mean I have gotten to a place where I lack feelings of gratitude. However, I do at times, feel the weight of life and change. I know the secret to alleviating that burden. As what seems to be the trend, I know the cure to seeing the negative, weighty things that one experiences in mortality. He is a friend of mine. In fact, He helps us through these times.

And I have to say that I love Mike. He freakin' rocks. And saying that will confuse people. Hmmm... too many Mikes in the world, maybe there should be a Mike genocide so that when I talk of Mike, people don't get confused. Just joshin'.

Denial

I generally have a sound mind in life. I tend to fend off reading too deeply into things, and I tend to maintain friendly relationships with people. And yet...

I find myself in denial more often than not. I find that denial to be annoying and sometimes refreshing. It's frustrating when I give in to the good natured teasing that people give me. It has been a part of my life always I guess. I lean toward denial as a coping mechanism to this. Bags, why am I even writing about this crap? I'm done.

Physical and Emotional Walls

Looking around at the world I live in, more and more I see the walls that contain me and restrain me from others. At work it's the partisaned cubicle wall that keeps me from most of my peers in my office space. In life, it's the hestitation I feel toward people I get close to. The hestitation that I'm wearing out my welcome or relying too heavily on those that I hold close to my heart. There are so many people who I need more than ever right now, and yet I pull away for the dumbest reasons of not wanting to have them tire of me. I see myself slipping back into my "apoligizing for everything and putting myself second" stage - and I know it's not where I need to be right now. I can see it wearing on those around me. This is not a good emotional wall. I mean, how can I battle with me wanting people to realize that I acknowledge when I completely fall flat on my face trying to ram my feet down my throat, and knowing how to regulate apologizing? I honestly keep forgetting that these people I have close to me exist in skin tougher than what I grew up around. I keep forgetting that if they didn't like me or were annoyed by me, they'd tell me. I hate that I forget that important piece of information.

CarCar actually inspired the title of this post. Mainly because I feel completely isolated from my co-workers, and I was telling her about that isolation. Well, other than Elder Parchman that is; for which I am more grateful for than anything. He really is becoming like the grandpa I never had. Back to the isolation that seems to be my office life... I hope it's just me being hormonal and blind to what I have in front of me, I really do. I hope I'm just reading too deeply into a situation that has been this way since I started working here. Sometimes it's so frustrating though. Sometimes I wish someone would come, sit down next to me, and open up their mouths in friendly conversation. JaiCi does this wonderfully in the mornings as she and I are the only two in the office for a little while. I should do more with her. Guh... I'm done tearing myself apart to try and understand my heart. I know of a man who can help me, I just need to let Him in.

What to Do

What do you do when a friend shuts themselves off completely from all others? What do you do when they seem to be caving in on themselves? Be patient? Stand off in the backround and just wait for things to change? Is being powerless a way of being told that I have no real power in life, but all things are in the Lord's hands? Is it okay for me to have faith in the thought that the Lord will be able to reach this person somehow? Should I push myself on her even though that might just be the final straw?

I don't understand this avalanche. I don't understand how things are worked out but swept under a rug. I don't understand why things have hit this person so hard and so deep. I don't understand the reactions nor the logic behind many of the thoughts that result from those reactions. I don't understand the isolation, but I can hope that it is the thing this person needs to repair their wounds.

I can hope that this person will find what they're looking for and find happiness again. I can hope that I when this is over I won't feel any hesitation toward this person nor feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

This all just doesn't seem right to me. It just doesn't. It seems like a scapegoat has been found and is being flogged hourly. It seems like outside forces are being allowed to pull roughly on the heartstrings of this person. It seems like this person is letting their opinion of something blind them to what's in front of them. It seems like a lot of conjecture on my part.

I don't know what's going on in their head. I don't know what progress has been made. All this opinion... hardly any fact in tote, but in the end, all that matters is what this person thinks. all that matters is they learn to find happiness again. All that matters is that the choice is made for the best of this person. All that matters is that they'll always have my friendship... I'll always be off to the side waiting, hoping they'll reopen the door they slammed shut... even if it's only enough to hear a voice.

Heal.