Rainy Days and Pain

So, in this day of torrential downpours and achy knees, I am sitting in my office just pondering. I'm pondering how one post could change someone's point of view so drastically. I wonder what it would be like to finally have that massuer I keep buggin' my friends to find for me. I wonder what the results of my doctor's appointment will bring. I wonder about the impact of my decisions on people who barely know me. I wonder about the day when I no longer deal with injuries or sickness. I wonder if the amount of injuries and whether those are a testiment to the depth of which I live my life and the dedication they show to whatever I may have been doing at the time. I wonder about the missed opportunities in my life. I wonder about the times I've had my eyes closed when I should have kept them open. I wonder about the times I should have stayed in bed, and the times when I should have gotten out of bed earlier. I wonder about the friendships I've lost along the way. I wonder about hobbies that I should have kept at and sports I should have continued. I wonder about the "what if's" and the "maybe's" and realize that the life I have now is one that is the way it is because of what I have done.

I realize that the hobbies I have now I have because I didn't stop or give up. I realize that the person I am now is who I should be at this time, in this place. I realize that the people I know now are the ones I'm supposed to know right now. The things that I have right now are things that I've been given, and I just need to start and then continuously see them as such.

On the Verge of a Loss

So, after years of fighting and denial and tears and frustration and happiness and pain and laughter and smiles and secrets and companionship, I'm on the verge of losing one of my closest friends. There's nothing I can do or say at this point, because I've said everything that I need to say. I won't coddle this person any longer, nor will I allow them to abuse me or guilt trip me into anything anymore. I've absolved myself of the responsibility put and taken upon my shoulders for this person's emotional happiness and well being. I can't do it any longer. *sighs* After talking with friends and my new adoptive grandpa, I realize that I have to let this go and see what happens. The only reason this has come about is because this friend sent me an ultimatum in the form of an email:

So I have spent a lot of time think about your reactions to everything I say, and either we need to work things out or I cant be your friend any more. Whatever it is that you want from need, you have to tell me, I cant keep trying to read your mind. I keep thinking that what you do is pretty selfish, maybe its because you dont want to be m friend any more. I thought I had given you enough space. I thought I was visiting you to say "hey, I still want to be friends, and am here when you want to talk" but I guess you have replaced me already so whatever. The ball is in your court and has been for quite a while. I keep trying to find what you need, but you keep backing away. So please share....

Over the summer, I dealt with a lot of verbal abuse from this person, and every single person around me kept pointing toward it. Some of my friends now dislike this person because of the abuse I went through, and yet I'm here willing to give them another chance. I wrote about four times this amount back to my friend trying to be sure I was being as clear as possible, but alas, I don't think I got through to them. Here's the response to my reply from yesterday:

How much more would you like me to back off.....I already stopped talking to you about anything important in my life.
As for you and taking care of yourself, I think you need some advise. Because your doing a crappy job. I understand that you can afford to be a little selfish, but what about your respinibilities, your commitments, does your word mean nothing to you any more. I know that you think that your life is busy, and for the past few weeks it has been, but you are no longer a student so quit acting like you can have that status, you are an adult with a full time job. Deal with it.

In the talkings that I've had so far, the best advice I was given was to worry about it when I clock out... right now, as I sit at my desk with large tasks set before me, I struggle with focusing on these tasks. *sighs* In talking with my adoptive grandpa, he told me that one of the things that hurt just less than a gun shot to the head is receiving a heart wound. Well, I've been wounded deeply, because I hate giving up. I hate being in this position where I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I've stopped arguing with this friend, and yet we still have the same agruments. I've stopped defending myself because I've said all that I feel I need to. I don't want to lose this friendship. Unfortunately, it takes two people to have a friendship, and there's something lacking in the both of us right now. There isn't comprehension that I can only make so much time for people, but that people are welcome to drag me out of my office for lunch or whatnot.

This just hurts. I just hurt right now. After receiving a great blessing, after having a great talk with my bishop about this person and his perceptions on the situation, I feel like someone caught me with my ankles bound. I have nowhere to go in regards to this situation. This is one of those cliched situations where I'm gonna let this person go and see if they value this friendship enough to fight for it. All I've done to try and show my willingness to reopen myself to this person has gone seemingly unnoticed. My excitement to see this person seems to go uncared for. This person rudely and painfully keeps bringing up the fact that I should stay away so I don't get hurt again by them. Yes, I was hurt by this person, but I've gotten over the hurt. Yes, getting over the hurt took a long while, but I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to start this friendship afresh, and rebuild the broken down and charred bridges between us.

Maybe, in the end, it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe, in the end, this friendship was something both of us needed in order to grow for the time being but is no longer needed. Maybe, in the end, I need to break away, so I can better myself and not be bogged down by my overdeveloped sense of responsibility. Maybe, in the end, this will be for my own good. Maybe, in the end, I'll be able to make myself into someone better than I was while knowing this person. Maybe, in the end, this person needs to break away from me so they'll have a better life. Maybe, in the end, this person needs to find themselves in their own way and not through the lens of me as their friend. Maybe, in the end, this is how it's supposed to be. I just hope the world for this friend.

Screw This

Alright, so screw the last post. Screw men. Just screw the whole damn system.