What's Wrong With Me

I keep hoping that one day I won't be so insecure with myself. I know that I'm happy with myself and who I am, but there's something that is missing. I hate having to feel like I need validation. I hate feeling like my life is surrounded with egg shells. I hate that I can't keep holding onto being happy.

The sky is the limit for me, yet I feel like a bird with clipped wings. I'm struggling with finding a new job because I'm either over qualified or under qualified. I feel very suffocated by my current job. There's nothing I'm doing at my current job that really taxes my mind. There are lots of things that drive me crazy about work, but ultimately, I don't feel like I'm being used to my full potential.

There are things that I know I need to do differently in my life, but there are things that I can't figure out how they aren't going better. I know there's something I'm missing, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it yet. Something in my life will get ironed out.

Holding Onto Vents

In my heart of heart, I'd like to think of myself as a secure person. I'd like to think of myself as strong and independant. Yet, I find myself feeling vulnerable and unsure. It's a weird position to be in.

I'm in the middle of an inner conflict where I want to embrace the vulnerability I'm feeling and reject it. My independant self wants nothing to do with the vulnerable side. My vulnerable side feels bad when the independant self exherts itself. It would be nice to have the two sides start to get along. Of course, in a perfect world these two, warring sides, would not exist.

It's a frustrating conflict of sides. I guess this is just another way for me to grow in life. Heh, and just when I thought I was beginning to get a handle on my emotions. Hooray for growth.

Dashed Upon a Meeting

As I sit in my chair at home and see that it's nearly midnight, my mind replays the events that took place earlier this evening. I search to find exactly where things didn't fit as well as I hoped they might. Though I was reluctant, I was hoping that this date, if for nothing else, would result in another friend for me. When he just sat in the back of the car and didn't walk me to the door, I kept down the feelings of disappointment and hurt. Blind dates are always a gamble, right?

In the end, I did enjoy myself. Dinner was great, and just spending time with these people was a nice change of pace for me. I have always enjoyed going on dates because of the new perspective I gain about life and the people around me. I hope the other couple enjoyed themselves as much as I did or more.

I don't think of myself as an overly picky person. The guy I went on this date with was pleasant and friendly but apparently things weren't supposed to go anywhere. Even though I didn't think things went well, I wish my former date luck with things and hope that he can find something that engages him. Well, I must pick myself up from feeling dashed and know that tomorrow is another day and life will go on.

Erika Avi

Cute Comments, Again

One of my old associates is back in my office doing some business this week, and he walked up to me and asked how I was doing and what changes are in my life. He then said that I look electric - ready to electrocute someone. After I told him that I'm scuba certified and just getting ready to leave the island, he said that we never quite get it worked out of our systems. He also said that I look good, whatever it is that I'm doing, I look good. =)

I Remember Now

After expressing myself to someone close to me, I remember now, why I became so unattracted to him. I told him that job hunting is frustrating me, and he told me that the doesn't like to see people frustrated. That's cool. But what isn't cool is how he proceeded to lecture me on how to not be frustrated. If I want a lecture, I'll ask my dad. I don't need a second dad. There are better ways to get through to me than to lecture me on why I shouldn't be frustrated. Grrr... okay, rant over. After this conversation, it will definitely make leaving him easier when I leave the island. Meh.

From Hell...

For the past five weeks (has it only been this long?), I have been dealing with roommates from Hell that absolutely drive me crazy. I suspect they have been eating my food, I suspect they have been using my laptop, and I suspect that they think of me as one, giant bitch. This came from them waking me up a couple times in one week after I had gone to sleep for the night.

Now to preface this, they are here to just spend two months in Hawaii. That's cool, I don't frankly care what they do with their time and money. I haven't asked them for anything, I don't think. I don't think I've been unreasonable with my requests to them. In fact, I don't recall being other than quiet, reserved and respectful to them. I don't know, maybe I haven't been. Maybe I've been bitchy without knowing it. Maybe I've handled this situation incorrectly.

Maybe, maybe, maybe... I just don't f'ing know right now. I know that I feel victimized and hate feeling this way. Little things keep pricking my self-control and allowing anger to bleed out, and then I choose to hold onto the anger until I can vent it out.

I mean, I want to physically hurt these girls for the wenches that they've been to me. That scares me. I don't want to be in this frame of mind, especially since we'll be living together for another few weeks. Ultimately, I have to change. Yes, I can tell them how I feel, but ultimately, will they care in the end? I don't know, I just know that I need to resolve some things in my heart and soul, and it starts with forgiveness.