Green

For about the past fourty-eight hours, I've been feeling strong pulls of envy hit me. It's driving me crazy. I try to fight it, think of something else or try to fill my mind with distraction, yet it still creeps along the edges of my mind. Recently, I've wondered if I'm not wearing a friend down. It comes and goes, but for the most part I'm sensing something that I could be way off on, in fact I hope that's the case, but it might not be. My heart is so confused. Attraction flits around in my mind, yet I'm trying to avoid another entanglement that would make life a little more difficult for me. Or would it?

What's making my life difficult is this envious beast that claws at my brain. I make an honest effort to just tryiing and enjoying life, but ultimately I make the sorry decision to be miserably fighting this creature that won't leave me be. I don't want it in my life. Jealousy, it's cousin, is also trying to break me down. Part of the reason why these things have broken past some of my defenses is the fact that I've allowed them into my life. I've allowed and entertained ideas of shedding some of my protective layer. I think knowing a particular friend has helped me open up some more. I need to call Mike and talk story with him. I really want to talk to Katie-Beth as well. I want to be washed and bathed in the pure love of Christ and have it fend off these two beasts and anything that resembles them in threatening to destroy my contentment with life, especially the thankgiving that I constantly feel for the blessed life that I lead.

Do I cling onto the past too tightly? Do I allow myself too little room for change and difference? Am I too apathetic to some things and too involved in others? I know I'm a little over the top. Hell, sometimes I'm too indepth for my own good. It's been refreshing to hear what a new friend thinks of me. I've been a pity friend, reserved, unreadable, unpredictable, intriguing, a travel buddy, awesome, a multi-tasking fiend, amazing, interesting, fun, emotional. If anything deserves to be on this blog, it's my thoughts and feelings in regards to envy and jealousy. Of all the things I'm dislike about myself, these two shame me the most. It confuses me that I can't just be happy for friends that are in different circumstances than myself. It angers and frustrates me that I battle with pushing people away when I want them close. It frustrates me when I become this possessive. I don't want to be here, I'm trying to rectify these things, yet it seems like each time I experience these feelings, they get harder and harder to combat.

I made a decision that I would not pursue a short term relationship that could turn into a long distance one. I made the decision that doing much more with someone who shares a name with a recently deceased family member could be highly detrimental. I'm so confused, so hurt, so aching. This angel of mine will most likely leave here not realizing that I think of him in this light. I hope it's not the pedistal kind of light either. Just the kind of light that points toward the knowledge that he'll be around for me if there's a need. It's been weird and refreshing to have that in my life. I want to have it again soon. At any rate... this giant green thing and its cousin are currently my arch-nemisises, and I'm doing all that I know how to conquer them.

Haunting Lyrics

As the title implies, I was looking up lyrics to a song I was listening to, and as I read the words on the screen, I realized how exactly like my relationship with a former friend they were. It alarmed me, scared me and added to the longing I have deep down to let go, once and for all, of all the pain and scarring that was built up from the time I spent being her friend. The most striking this about this song is the fact that not only does it capture my thoughts and feelings from the time, it also captures the hope I have for this person.

Perfect Girl by Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong, am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

[Chorus]
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Me me feel like I'm the one to blame for all of this...

[Chorus]
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete I can't deny there's nothing that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you

[Chorus]
Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time