To Mark the Passing

So... one of my cats died this morning. Yeah, I know... it's a cat, why should I feel like a hole has been ripped into my heart? Well, this cat was my cat. The first animal that I owned. He's dead now. Marcel... I'll miss him, and yeah, I just found out about it, so of course I'll be devistated. Anyway... just sharing. I've shed enough tears for now. On with life.

Not Broken

So I thought that after last night I would feel broken, shattered and disillusioned. I thought that my heart would come out of the night on life support. I thought that I would just want to curl up and cry. Yet, I find as the sun rises, so also does my heart and soul. It hurt to hear the things that I heard in the night, and I thought that not only was my world crashing down but getting bombed. Well, I still feel like I've had my share of bombs getting dropped on me for a while. Still, I realized as I sat in my living room, sick because I've tried to tough out being sick for the past few days, that my life will go on. I realized that Heavenly Father knows what He's doing in my life. Maybe I just needed to show him that I know how to cry. Maybe he needed to break free, so he could focus on his classes without being drawn back to me. Whatever the reason is, I trust and will trust Heavenly Father.

Yes, I was devistated to be told to forget everything that had happened between us in the last year, and frankly, I wondered if I would be able to muster enough strength to lie about the fact that we have strong feelings for each other. But, I will; what choice do I have? I leave soon, and so does he. I can't bog my life down because of these events that will be going on. Is it worthwhile to still want to be a part of his life? Yes. I have no doubt in my mind that I would love for him to stay in my life for a while. I also forget that I need to open my mouth and tell him things beyond hard facts. I forget that my life isn't just hard facts, but flowery words and opinions. My life is made up of memories that run deep and pure in spirit. My life is made up of knowing who I was, am and who I want to become.

For a couple of weeks, I had run dry when trying to write words. It was quite frustrating because my livelihood relies on my ability to write words. Besides, what good is a relationship that has not experienced difficulty? In the fire of my life, I must remember to submit myself to the flames that consume me and trust that the master smith knows when to take me out and mold me. Until then, sickie day from work so my physical body and recoup from getting sick.

In the Middle of a Bombardment

For about a week or so now, I've been caught in a bombardment of news. I have little choice but to trust that the Lord knows what He's doing in my life. Maybe it's past time for me to be off this island. Maybe I'm needed somewhere else. Maybe, maybe, maybe... all I know is that I'm not happy about the bombardment that has been going on. I must overcome it all though. Yeah, the news I've received has been quite shocking. It's been annoying, and frankly, I feel cheated, but at the same time, there are reasons behind the bombs that have been dropped on my life recently. I have had peace and contentment for a good two months previous to these past couple of weeks. For now, I will choke down the tears threatening to break through and do my job. I'll wait and discuss what might happen with my friends and family and cherished one when I can discuss it later. Maybe I'll be moving to Oregon when I'm done here. Who knows. I sure don't.