Purge

As much as I claim that I enjoy my job, it does get boring and disappointing. It might just be the fact that I do have projects and get projects, but these projects aren't too time consuming. Maybe I just need to learn patience. Maybe I need to learn how to slow down because my life is already going so fast. When I feel that my job is boring me, I begin to feel ungrateful... but the thing is I'm very grateful for this opportunity to get my feet wet in one of the different fields I can go into as a career in the communications field. Of course, part of what's feeding my dissatifaction is the fact that I want more from my life than I'm getting... which then throws me into feeling even more ungrateful. Sarah points out the fact that the things I want and set my mind to, usually end up becoming mine. Very few things were wants of mine that I feel short of. It is an important thing for me to not get everything that I want... despite the amount of effort I put forth. *sighs* As much as I am reluctant to admit this, I want marriage in my life. It's taken me almost 21 years to come to that realization... and just shorter to dispel the discouraging thought of never really knowing love. In a way I have come to know love. I see it around me all the time. There are many things in my life right now that I am reluctant to put a voice to... or even explore.

As much of a breeze as my life has been to this point... I'm realizing how blessed I've been in life. Since graduation, there have been a couple of instances where I have felt more liberated in a situation than previous in my life. That liberation seems to stick. At work, I've been challenged by JaiCi to not say anything negative about work. Well, I'm trying that overall in my life. I have noticed a difference when I do not feed the negative thoughts that pop into my head. I'm striving toward being the once always positive me. Anymore of late, I would see the glass as half empty and frankly that's not where I want my mind to be. The place that I strive to be at is one of happier thoughts and more positive comments about life in general. For three years I was thrown off kilter by the radical new ideas that were presented to me as an International Cultural Studies student. I don't really recall ever wanting to find myself because I knew who I was: at least I thought I did. Now, I'm stuck in a realm many others are intimidated by because of the determination and drive that I have. Not only that, but the fact that I am comfortable in my skin, in my roles and doing what I do. I know who I am, where I came from, and where I want to be after.

I am keenly feeling that a part of me is missing. Anymore, the reliance I once had on myself to be able to do things and be fine is frail and near breaking. I am looking for my counter-part, one who will compliment me... and ultimately cause me to be a better person. I didn't feel that way about Alan... in spite of the good things he brought into my life and the love I thought I felt. Maybe the love was immature, and thus not something that would bring much into a relationship for me. My heart is wanting adventure, but that adventure is just to occupy the gaps that are hollow and emptier than I ever thought I could be. I am growing weary of seeing the same article that I've revised ten or twelve times. I am growing weary of wanting more, but just barely satisfied with the many amazing things that I have. I don't really think that, in the end, I have felt this way before. On my own, I know for a sureity that my heart cannot handle these feelings much longer. I am not trying to pull away from people, yet I feel more withdrawn.

It boils down to the fact that I have not been doing the things I know I should be doing. I have been lax in my scripture study. I have been lax in my church attendance. My prayers have never faultered. My faith will never falter. I must continue in my efforts to change for the better, to maintain my faith, my testimony, and love in the Lord. I must stop being so lax in the things I do in life. This craving for fulfillment is causing much difficulty in my life. My search for contentment will continue. I cannot quit at this miserable place I'm in.

Swingin' In a Bad Direction

For some reason this morning, I've been having mood swings. It's not a good thing. Started my day off poorly by sleeping in an hour thus getting to work an hour late. Just got called from my other job to find that I work tonight which I had thought I had off. I haven't had a chance to have my prayers yet today, and I heard an amazing devotional given by the missionary I work with in my department. So what's wrong, you might ask??? I HAVE NO FRICKIN' IDEA!!!! I just... keep realizing that I want to do more than what I already do in my job. I feel like I do the least amount of work in the office, and someone else pointed out the fact that I do the least. My to do list for the day consists of four items because one I can't do until another person gets back from being sick. I was having a good start too, and then somehow things just hit rock bottom. Pain that I haven't felt in a while is throbbing, and scars that I thought had been healed are itching. I just need patience. Strength. I think I just need to say my prayers. That should help.