The Errors of Comparisons

After one of many heartfelt conversations between myself and Sarah, I realized that she and even Kelsey, who's relationship is younger than Sarah's, that they have something with their boys that I don't have with mine. I forget that Alan and I exist for each other online and by a phone only. It sucks!!! Although there is a silver lining to our clouds of strife, he's coming out in less than two weeks!!!!

w00t!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talking with Sarah and Kelsey, my heart began to ache and long more painfully for Alan than it has these past five months. I know that when Alan comes out here, it will determine where our relationship is bound for. I know that I'm at the point of love where I want this man in my life as perminantly as he wants me in his. For a few weeks now, he hasn't been the Alan I met over a year ago right before playing softball with some people from the branch. He's been tired, stressed and fatigued. The result of him being in this state is him now officially being a college graduate with a dream that I think is awesome: he wants to write screenplays. The place that caused to most strain on our relationship happened in April when he was going to surprise me. He missed his flight, and it shattered my carefully organized world. I know, me organized, Hell must have frozen over or something. Anyways, *aside* I just realized that I haven't been using this blog for the catharsis I originally intended, and as such I've ended up yelling and being down right b-itchy for a few weeks now* It was hard, and my friends here, who are now my family, were fiercely defensive for me.

Hearing this, Alan became dismayed. He felt as if my friends out here stabbed him in the back. I keep making the mistake of bringing it up constantly. I love this man; I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around my family here when he comes. People are so excited to meet this person who made it so I could give my heart away and feel like a woman for the first time really in my life. So many things have been going all caddywampus recently. I just hope that when he comes, we'll make our own boundaries so that I will stop comparing us. Sarah yelled at me for doing that, especially since she felt so dejected that Rob did not compliment her when she craved so much just to hear one, tiny compliment all day. Me, I get so many from Alan that I don't know how to handle them at all. Terrific, beautiful, cute... these are things that I had never really associated with myself. Now, he tells me all the time while we talk on the phone, sometimes more than once or five times. :D

He inspires me to be the kind of person who would be worthy to go to the temple at a moment's notice. I want to be better because of him. I hope he feels similarly. I haven't exactly been the most supportive, but all I crave for right now is his friendship. The past couple of times he and I have talked on the phone, I've been really distracted. Last night as I was wondering and inquirying of the Lord why this has been, I stumbled across a passage in Mosiah 2. It's a phrase toward the end of verse 9 and goes, "... open your ears that ye may hear, and your hearts that ye may understand, and your minds that the mysteries of God may be unfolded to your view." It still resounds in my mind this morning. Reading that passage, I realized that I hadn't given Alan the attention he deserves from me. I allowed my homework to get in my way of hearing him.

DANG IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm an idiot. :( I'm lucky he chooses to stick with the ditsy idiot that I am. Meh... good thing this probably won't get read by anyone. :)